Starbucks Turned Me Into a Self-Hating White

Why is this goddamn Feist song stuck in my head? I'll tell you why, because I am so vanilla that I don't have my own tastes anymore, I am a product of one too many trips to the Starbucks at the bottom floor of my office building.

(Do-do-do-do...I feel it all, I feel it all...do-do-do-do...I feel it all, I feel it all...)

Last night, both the DS and Colbert did a peice on yesterday's premature shutdown of all Starbucks nationwide, so that they could re-train their baristas. Correspondent Jason Jones reported live from the streets of New York, and decided to try any alternative to a Starbucks trip that he could find. He went to a convenience store, ordered a cup of coffee, and had a panic attack upon attempting to lounge in the cramped, flourescent-lit shop:

"Wait a minute...you aren't playing Feist...and where are all the douchebags with laptops?" he said, desperately.

He then proceeded to rummage through a trash can and found a used condom within a Starbucks cup. The condom was filled with coffee--and he drank it. It was the most vile thing I've ever seen on Comedy Central.

I don't need to tell you that Colbert's account of the "caffeine eclipse" was just as absurd. After the stores re-opened, he was shown showering in a cup of house blend, and then lathering with cappucino foam.

This made me reflect upon the soul-crushing cultural impact that the "McDonald's of java" has successfully thrust down the throat of the masses.

According to USA Today:

"The kingpin of pricey coffee is intent on ranking among the top
trendmeisters before the decade is out. Something like: If you love the taste of
our coffee, you'll love our taste in pop culture, too. 'Call it the
Starbuckization of society,' says George Ritzer, sociology professor at the
University of Maryland. 'Starbucks has created the image that they're cutting
edge.'

Schultz is dead serious about taking his company Hollywood -- and
beyond. Starbucks Entertainment, formed two years ago, has 100 employees and is
relocating to Santa Monica, Calif. It retained the William Morris Agency to help
link the brand, via marketing ventures, with films, music and books. In some
cases, Starbucks will have a financial stake."

Don't get me wrong, I understand that the global caffeine pushers are doing a lot of socially innovative things with fair trade and sustainablility--both for workers and the environmnet--but the whole William Morris/Hollywood strategy creeps me out. Is this what pop culture is being reduced to? A facet of modern Americana only available through the filtration and distribution processes of an international chain of fast food coffee lounges?

I digress. I recently discovered that coffee is the #1 thing that white people like:

"White people all need Starbucks, Second Cup or Coffee Bean. They
are also fond of saying 'you do NOT want to see me before I get my morning
coffee.' White guys will also call it anything but coffee: 'rocket fuel,'
'java,' 'joe,' 'black gold,' and so forth. It’s pretty garbage all around.

If you want to go for extra points - white people really love FAIR TRADE
coffee, because paying the extra $2 means they are making a difference."

I always prided myself on being very non-white culturally. But then I found that all of the things listed that white people like, I like. I found numbers 8, 63, 72, 75 and 77 particularly applicable to me personally.

This despite the fact that my father once laughed at me in high school for my "whitebread" boyfriends, after which I fought hard to regain his respect, and the fact that a Vietnamese friend in high school said I was the most non-white white person she'd ever met, going so far as to give me her "Asian Pride" hoodie. And we were on the dance team together, so she was familiar with my sense of rhythm.

I blame Starbucks for brainwashing me into being too white. Oh Asian pride, where have you gone...