Friday, February 22, 2008

Pythons Hit San Francisco! FAQ

Much like the news that a spy satellite had malfunctioned and was plummeting to the Earth (up until yesterday, when a missle shot it down), I am a bit taken aback by the fact that I did not hear about the Burmese Pythons and their mission to wreak havoc upon my native soil until very recently.

"Whaaat's this" you say? "Where did you hear that?" My co-worker told me about it, and I almost shat myself.

I know I know, you must be just as confused about this as I was. Thankfully, I have compiled a list of frequently asked questions (FAQs FYI) about the pythons. Don't loose your shit.

Q: Why California and the Bay Area? Why not Kansas or some place equally miserable?
A: California provides a very comfortable climate for the Burmese Python. Also, according to USGS, the constructable snake is"highly adaptable to new environments" and cannot be stopped.
Q: Can they be stopped?
A: See quesion #1. No, not if the USGS has anything to say about it.
Q: How will they get here? Will they inflitrate a series of commuter planes unless Samuel L. Jackson whoops ass?
A: No, they will traverse the American south from Florida, where their massive Everglades community thrives. Along the way, they will refuel by feasting upon beavers.
Q: How do they survive in Florida? Don't the alligators eat them?
A: Yes, alligators can eat them. But they can swallow an alligator whole, and have been known to do so--often.
Q: How fast do they travel?
A: 20 miles per month. So look out, summer of 2010!
Q: Wait--how large are these things?
A: They can grow up to 23 feet and weigh up to 250 pounds.
Q: Can you please give me the most f-ed up, absurd quote from the SF Chronicle article?
A: Sure, glad you asked:

"The snakes also like to eat rodents, deer and other mammals. Small
Florida deer have been turning up inside the digestive tracts of Everglades
pythons, which has alarmed deer lovers and also the
Q: So will they attack us?
A: The article does not go into this matter. Much like the articles about the spy satellite which downplayed the threat to human life.
Q: If they did attack us, how might they go about doing it?
A: According to the article, young pythons spend much of their time in trees--watch your head!
Q: Do they breed very rapidly?
A: They lay up to 100 eggs at a time.
Q: I just shat myself.
A: That's not a question. And I told you not to do that.

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