Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Non sequiturs: "I Drink Your Milkshake" Edition
Kids, today I'm going to start a non-sequitur section of the 'ole blog 'n chain. My head is swimming in a sea of useless information this fine February evening, here's some of the more useless stuff:

As of last week, Nebraska outlawed death by electrocution as its sole method of execution. Gooo Nebraska! Did you know: the term "electrocution" was coined by West Orange, New Jersey press in 1887 when Thomas Edison, to prove electrical power competitor Westinghouse had inferior services with its AC, or alternating current, generators (as opposed to DC, direct current) strapped small domesticated animals to metal plates and fried them, using Westinghouse's technology, in front of a crowd of spectators? Today, an estimated 1 million people worldwide receive electroconvulsive shock therapy to treat depression.

Some people think superdelegates are super. Some, not so much. I just wish I could have been one at age 21, being wined and dined by the Clintons like this Jason Rae guy, who joined the DNC at 17. Like his fellow superdelegates, Jason can count himself among a motley, ragtag team of "kingmakers", just like Nogai Khan and Warwick, the Kingmaker. Nogai lost one of his eyeballs in a fight with his brother-in-law, Abaqa Khan in Tbilisi, Georgia. They say an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, but if it was just one eye for no good reason, I think they say that most of the world, generally, is going to be fairly copasetic.

What do you think when you imagine crimes against humanity? I think of a lot of brutal, unconscionable atrocities, but none as great as this. Pennsylvania resident Dylan Stephan Jayne is one poor bastard, and I hope Google coughs up that much-deserved $5 mil. Those sneaky bastards. My social security number spells "big brother is watching" upside-down, don't ask me how. Did you know that the "zip" in zip code stands for zoning improvement plan?

Speaking of bucks, every F.B.I. interrogator who's any F.B.I. interrogator knows the trick to getting all the good info lies in the quality of the coffee you give your interrogatee. That's why I'm pleased to announce that our great men down in Guantanamo Bay serve only the finest Starbucks coffee to international terror suspects. A lawyer who visited last year wrote in In These Times magazine:

There is (of course) a Starbucks, a McDonalds, a combined Subway-Pizza Hut, a Wal-Mart-like big box store called the Nex and a gift shop . . . yes, Guantanamo has a gift shop that sells Guantanamo key chains, shot glasses, t-shirts and shell tchotchkes. Fillipino and Haitian workers staff all the establishments. And in the distance, beyond these icons of American consumption, is the “gulag.”

I haven't been this excited about Starbucks' rise in global market dominance since I read this story yesterday. Tchotchke is a variation of the Yiddish word "chachka" meaning "cheap showy trinket."

The Joy of Sex just got updated. Those bored with the "Viennese Oyster" may find a real jem in the "Venus Butterfly." This expanded version also includes such high-tech 21st century sections as the concept of phone sex. Kate Winslet, giving advice on what to say during phone sex via Extras, says: "I'm fudding myself stupid and bloody loving it."

In 1924, Senator Albert Bacon Fall coined a term that rivals the best Napolean Dynamite quips. At a congressional hearing for accepting bribes to drill oil on public lands in California and Wyoming, he remarked, "Sir, if you have a milkshake and I have a milkshake and my straw reaches across the room, I'll end up drinking your milkshake." Today, filmmaker P.T. Anderson has revived that term in "There Will Be Blood." A Kelis mashup YouTube video ensued:

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