Anatomy of a Shitty Karl Rove Op-Ed

So yesterday Karl Rove (yes yes y'all, you know may know him as "MC Rove", that slick-ass mofo that brought the house DOWN during the White House Correspondents' Dinner last year) wrote an Op-Ed on why Hillary Clinton took New Hampshire.

First off, let's consider the source. Who in their right mind would publish this sorry excuse for an Op-Ed piece, on the same day allowing Sens. McCain and Lieberman to spew propaganda on how "The Surge Worked"? If you guessed the Murdoch St Journal you are correct my friends!

Let's dissect it, shall we:

Rove's thought bubble: Der der, gotta begin article with something that shows I read books. Yeah yeah, but who do I read? What's the hardest thing I read in high school? Der, I got it! Shakespeare!
What Rove wrote:

What would Shakespeare's Jack Cade say after the New Hampshire Democratic primary? Maybe the demagogue in "Henry VI" would call for the pollsters to be killed first, not the lawyers.

Rove's thought bubble: okay that's brilliant! I'm so hot right now, burnin up. Okay, next, insightful commentary on the election process. I don't need stats for this one, just a general status quo media theory generally undisputed by the masses. Der, polls! I'll write something about polls!

The dirty secret is it is hard to accurately poll a primary. The unpredictability of who will turn out and what the mix of voters will be makes polling a primary election like reading chicken entrails -- ugly, smelly and not very enlightening. Our media culture endows polls -- especially exit polls -- with scientific precision they simply don't have.

Rove's thought bubble: Wow! Lookit me! Not only a former Presidential adviser, but a media critic to boot! Ok ok, now for an incredibly generalized statement, using very cleverly-worded similes, to obscure the fact that I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about.

Sen. Hillary Clinton won working-class neighborhoods and less-affluent rural areas. Sen. Barack Obama won the college towns and the gentrified neighborhoods of more affluent communities. Put another way, Mrs. Clinton won the beer drinkers, Mr. Obama the white wine crowd. And there are more beer drinkers than wine swillers in the Democratic Party.

Rove's thought bubble: Damn I'm good. Now for commentary to make both Clinton and Obama look bad--but I gotta make Obama look worse, like the limousine liberal he is; he needs all the bad press I can dish out at this point--the future of PNAC is riding on it.

...in the ABC debate on Saturday, when WMUR TV's Scott Spradling asked why voters were "hesitating on the likeability issue, where they seem to like Barack Obama more." Mrs. Clinton's self-deprecating response -- "Well, that hurts my feelings" -- was followed by a playful "But I'll try to go on." You couldn't help but smile. It reminded Democrats what they occasionally like about her. Then Mr. Obama followed with a needless and dismissive, "You're likable enough, Hillary." Her remarks helped wash away the memory of her angry replies to attacks at the debate's start. His trash talking was an unattractive carryover from his days playing pickup basketball at Harvard, and capped a mediocre night.

Rove's thought bubble: Yesss. That was more than on point, that was beyond the point and making points within points around points. I know, I'll add a little historical knowledge to my commentary. What does vitamin-starved mean? I don't know, but boy does it sound clever.

When it comes to making the case against Mrs. Clinton, Mr. Obama comes across as a vitamin-starved Adlai Stevenson. His rhetoric, while eloquent and moving at times, has been too often light as air.

Thought bubble: Okay, now to up the ante. What else can I say to make the Dem hopefuls sound like children? And how can I demean Hillary because she's a woman at the same time? I know...

The Democratic candidates left New Hampshire not liking each other. Mrs. Clinton, in particular, lets her feelings show. In her victory speech, as she listed her competitors, she put Mr. Obama at the tail end, behind Dennis Kucinich. Ouch! Mrs. Clinton is likely to win the Democratic beauty contest in Michigan on Jan. 15. But with no delegates at stake, it will have little impact.

The rest of the "Op-Ed" is used to express his knowledge of the electoral process. Way to go Rove, you know that it takes more delegates than states to make a win! You get an A+ in Political Science!