Tuesday, April 15, 2008

You suck, kid. I was shootin' down birds of prey when I was still in diapers.


Hogzilla One-Year Anniversary, Sneak Preview


Today I'm going to jump the gun on this subject before the mainstream media catches wind of it first: folks, we are approaching the one-year anniversary of the slaying of Monster Pig.

It was around this time last year (May 3,2007--mark your calendar!) that 11 year-old Alabama resident Jamison Stone shot down a mammoth wild boar after chasing it with a pistol through the hills of a commercial hunting park for three straight hours. Eventually he shot the beast point-blank.
Stone told the Associated Press: "It feels really good. It's a good accomplishment. I probably won't ever kill anything else that big."

The claims made by Stone and his father--that the boar weighed over 1,050 pounds and was nine feet long from snout to tail--have been widely criticized, as the scale used could only weigh objects at 10 lbs at a time. Basically, there must have been a lot of guesswork involved. Skeptics also question the guestimate as the 2004 National Geographic d
iscovery, Hogzilla, weighed 1,000 pounds. Monster Pig, if weighed correctly, would be the meatiest monster of them all, even thought it was actually three feet shorter than Hogzilla in length.

But some also claim that the image of the Monster Pig has been doctored to make the creature look larger than it actually was. Who knows, but check out all these badass pics of kids killing animals on the Stones' personal website. Do you think they could have all been doctored?

To honor the occasion, the magazine meatpaper, a magazine dedicated to meat, has traveled through time to capture future remarks made by the Monster Pig sharpshooter:

May 25, 2008
12-year-old Blows Away Own Record by Bagging 2,102-lb. Hog!

“I guess it just goes to show you the stupid things that come out of your mouth when you're only 11-years-old!” Jamison said at a press conference.

“In terms of life accomplishments, this brings shame upon my homemade potato clock! And it makes my Monster Pig from last year look like a Mini Pig, like Hog-Bambi! I think it's safe to say I PROBABLY WON’T EVER KILL ANYTHING ELSE THAT BIG IN THE FUTURE!” (laughter from reporters)

“If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have my first taste of alcohol.”

May 25, 2009
Huge-Hog Hat Trick! 13-year-old Wastes 4,204-lb. ‘Boar-hemoth’

“Of course I’m fr8ked out,” Jamison said in a text message. “Evry year the pig cometh on same exact day, 2? LOL! WTF?”

May 25, 2012
Baby “Swine-stein” Blasts Previous Record with 8,408-pound ‘Moby Pig’! Teen Says Sixth Consecutive Record Hog Kill has got Him Thinking about “Some Deeper, Cosmic Kind of Stuff”

“You’re out there in the woods,” said the 16-year-old in a hand-written letter. “And you start noticing bigger patterns? Like mathematical things? Such as the rate that these pigs are growing? X times two? Is anybody with me?”

Read the rest of the article here.

Latest updates:
-Stinkyjournalism.org reports that an Alabama grand jury is investigating the Stones on animal cruelty charges. This has led to bad press for the Lost Creek Plantation hunting grounds where Monster Pig was gunned down. As of January of this year, the park was up for sale.

-The story of Hogzilla, based on the 2004 boar, is currently being made into a movie, with a plot line offering absolutely no bearing in reality. Jamison Stone has been offered a cameo.

-Monster Pig's head now R.I.P.'s at Jerry's Taxodermy and Deer Processing in Oxford, AL.

-Speaking of big "pigs", here is some footage of a real live boar that some Serbian dudes found roaming the city streets of Nis. Enjoy:


4 comments:

Penny Nichols said...

But did the Stoned family feast on the Monster Pig? That's what counts you know, if you eat what you kill.

amityb said...

Apparently the boar's meat, by the time they did all their oohing and ahhing and photographing, was inedible. What a waste of a perfectly tasty-looking carcass eh?

Hip E. said...

They should have at least worked it in to the 5th grade class performance of Lord of the Flies

Rhonda said...

Hi there from StinkyJournalism.org--

RE the first anniversary report of the Monster Pig kill was published May 3rd 2008...

National Geographic is now filming a documentary in Alabama about the monster pig debacle, titled "Anatomy of a Hoax." Producers said they are interviewing Mike Stone, father of Jamison.

Please see http://www.ESPNOutdoors.com or

http://www.Stinkyjournalism.org for full story