SENATOR LARRY CRAIG GETS NO RESPECT
Since I've only read about him and never heard his voice, I'd like to imagine the Idaho Senator talking trash like Rodney Dangerfield, elaborating upon his official statement to the press about recent allegations of improper public bathroom behavior:
I'm tellin ya, I'm not gay.I never have been gay. No respect, no respect. My wife, she's a real frigid kinda dame, y'know? I mean, a roll in the hay is like, foreign to her y'know? She thinks Grape Nuts is an STD or sometin'. My brother said giving him a blow job would help his unemployment, so she gave him one, y'know? This dame. No respect.
So I get a little lonely on business trips? So wha? Rubbin another man's leg in a bathroom stall is like, the way I say hello, make friends y'know? Badda bing! Then I give 'em a little slap n'tickle, how's your father, I'm just sayin--no respect no respect. If that leads to somethin sexual, who am I to turn someone away and hurt their feelings, y'know? People are actin like I'm gay or somethin', those who don't want to give me respect--do I need to remind you who I am? Larry-muthafuckinrespectful-Craig. I'm such a great social conservative, where's the respect? Where did it go? Ay! I've been in the NRA for over 20 years now, I reject protection for gay victims of hate crimes and am a big endorser of the Federal Marriage Amendment, y'know? No respect no respect. I think the federal government should give no respect to Hurricane Katrina survivors. Ay-oh! I get respect, but them gays and poor New Orleans sons of bitches, they get no respect. I am Larry-muthafuckinrespectful-Craig.
Masha Gessen is the author of *The Future Is History: How Totalitarianism Reclaimed Russia*, which will be published in October. In the July issue of Har...
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