Neil Hamburger

Last night I went to see the Tim and Eric Awesome Songs Puss Whip Bang Gang show. Which was a lot better than it sounds. But what really made the overall experience was opening act Neil Hamburger, the faux-lounge comedian and alter ego of one Portland, Oregon-based comedian Gregg Turkington.

I was wedged between two friends, both absolute Tim and Eric obsessives, both into the same wacky British humor I grew up with, but one utterly disgusted by Mr. Hamburger, while the other (along with myself) roared with laughter, and had to repeat some of these jokes back a few times to make sure they were as off-color and hideous as they sounded. With Hamburger, the schtick is more about the posturing, phlegm-clearing, spitting into the cocktail, nervously brushing the comb-over to the side, yelling at the audience to shut up even though everyone is quiet, et al, that really makes it.

These jokes are bad. Real bad. But I just had to sit down and jot them all down before I went to bed last night, as if forgetting them would somehow leave a void in the very fabric of my soul. The part of the soul that yearns to blurt out every taboo, politically-incorrect idea that pops into one's head like a compulsive mental patient. Here they all are, in a somewhat chronological order:

1. What was the last good thing that the Osmonds produced in the last four decades?

A stillborn.

2. Why don't rapists eat at TGIFridays?

Because it's hard to rape with a stomach ache.

3. On the day before he was executed, why did the last meal that the Washington sniper requested consist of a can of Pringle's chips, a Nestle's chocolate bar, and a bucket of KFC chicken?

Because those were his sponsors.

4. Why did Colonel Sanders, on his death bed, give Sally Fields the secret spice recipe to make his chicken?

He was desperate for a blow job.

5. Why did God give Smashmouth five hit singles?

It was a clerical mixup, he meant to give them all syphilis.

6. What happens if you put one copper piece, a one cent coin, into each member of Smashmouth's ass?

They turn into Nickleback.

7. What's worse than 9/11?

311.

8. Why did Heath Ledger win over the hearts and minds of a generation?

Because he was a brilliant actor.

9. Why did soon-to-die Heath Ledger call Mary-Kate Olsen right before his quick demise?

He had just taken some pills that he needed to know how to throw up.

10. Why did Julia Roberts smear shit on her vagina?

To honor Heath Ledger. It a Tibetan Buddhist custom, to honor the dead that way.

11. How many Red Hot Chili Peppers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends on how recently they've shot up.

12. What did the Red Hot Chili Peppers do when they heard that no one liked their recent tracks?

They wore more long-sleeved shirts.

13. Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers want to be taken under the bridge?

There heard there was a plate they could poop on.

14. What is the difference between Harriet Tubman and the Red Hot Chili Peppers?

Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves, but the Red Hot Chili Peppers were slaves to the heroine.

15. Why did God create Domino's Pizza?

To punish humanity for all the complacency during the Holocaust.

16. How do you get your dog to stop licking its own balls?

Coat them in Domino's Pizza sauce.

17. What do you get when you cross Michael Jackson's life with Farrah Fawcett's death?

I don't know, but if I were you I'd stay away from the ass.

18. Who sponsored Michael Jackson's funeral?

Jack in the Box.

19. What do you call it when a homeless wino is raped and mugged by a sexual deviant?

A Wham reunion.

20. Why do the gays like Cher and Barbara Streisand so much?

Because it reminds people that there are easier people to hate than the gays.

21. How do you get Carlos Santana to stop trying to molest your children?

Put a guitar in his hands.

22. What did the medical doctors call it when they decided to cut off the life support they gave to a man in the hospital treated for being an imbecile?

Eric Clapton: Unplugged.

23. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a hockey mom?

A child with down syndrome, apparently.

24. What's the worst thing that Kenny G can give a woman after a one-night stand?

His latest album.

25. What do you get when you cross someone with down syndrome with a person with Turret's?

Ladies and gentleman...Robin Williams!