Star Wars/Richard Pryor blast from the past

Don't know much about this video, have no idea where it came from, but I do know that this sketch used original Star Wars costumes and the set of Mos Eisley Cantina. Enjoy!

Mamma Mia! in the subconscious

If you've ever thought about watching the Meryl Streep/ Pierce Brosnon blockbuster musical "Mamma Mia!" based on the play that was based on a set of disjointed ABBA songs, ABBA being a band that was based on a couple Swedes winning the Eurovision Song Contest for "Waterloo," think no more. It's really excruciating to sit through, and will leave you with nightmares. Fortunately in my case, I got a good dream out of it. I woke up this morning and had to jot it all down:

I came from a family of Greek gods of the sea. We went to an expensive scucba shop to buy swimming equipment. I bought really expensive shampoos and conditioners that were made out of things like seaweed, which was ironic because why did I need that. Then, I went to test some of the new equipment out: like the underwater backpack with the sports bottle. The sports bottle was made of metal and stretched out like an accordion. I swam a few strokes and complained to my mother about its weight. I asked her why I didn’t just get a plastic one that weighed just a fraction of this terrible weight. Later, I went on land and met a girl who said she could help me get a job as a waitress. She was just getting off of work and still had her TGIFridays uniform on. She got me a free Amstel Light at the snack bar of a park. I talked to my mother for a while because I was trying to figure out who my real parents were. Since the family I swam with were all part gods/part people, one of my parents must actually be my sibling because I had to be half human somehow. She said I was right, and that my real mother was Tina Fey.

The whole Greek thing I attribute to the fact that the movie is based on a Greek island, and Aphrodite is mentioned. So I got to thinking about Greek myth and this is what happened. I don't know how the product placement came in, but I will say that I have been really sick lately, watching a lot of television (including 30 Rock). I didn't watch the whole movie, but I hope that Tina Fey is in it.

The Magnetic Fields's 69 Love Songs, Illustrated

Ahem...May please I divert your attention from these meandering political tirades that currently make up my little weblog momentarily and cast a light on a most fantastic blog project, an illustrated revisioning of the Magnetic Fields's masterpiece 69 Love Songs, and on the day that the band has released the gorgeous new album Realism?

From "If You Don't Cry":

Now listen:

Blog for Choice Day

Well it's that time of year again, the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Below is my post to honor the day. It's been 37 years since the landmark case paved the way for women to have more control over their bodies; however, today the procedure seems only slightly less stigmatized than it was in the '70s, with the added bonus of an accelerated pressure for women to contribute to the workforce like never before.

Women are on the brink of making up the majority of the workforce in America, and when it comes to abortion, I think the debate needs to be elevated beyond the neanderthal argument of: "Abortion is wrong. It is murder. It is amoral." Regardless of how morally superior anti-abortionists believe themselves to be, the reality is, women will abort fetuses for their own survival. They will do it illegally, they will endanger their health, and in some cases they will die in the process. But they will do it for critical and rationally-minded reasons. Not because they do not value human life and are inherently selfish or evil.

According to Planned Parenthood's Alan Guttmacher Institute and the Center for Disease Control (found here):

Black women are more than 4.8 times more likely than non-Hispanic white women to have an abortion, and Hispanic women are 2.7 times as likely (AGI).

The abortion ratio for unmarried women is 510 abortions for every 1,000 live births. For married women it is 61 abortions for every 1,000 live births (CDC).

On average, women give at least 3 reasons for choosing abortion: 3/4 say that having a baby would interfere with work, school or other responsibilities; about 3/4 say they cannot afford a child; and 1/2 say they do not want to be a single parent or are having problems with their husband or partner (AGI).

What do these stats say? Economics play a major role in the decision to have an abortion. So it's all fine and good to be able to afford to be morally superior. Stand out there in front of clinics with your morbid pictures of bloody fetuses, stalk abortion doctors, plot and scheme about blowing up clinics and become a domestic terrorist. But if you don't see the irony, you're just not intelligent enough to grasp your own political principles and should probably shut your trap.

You can also announce to the whole world how ethical you are for never buying illegal drugs and label a cancer patient a heathen for smoking marijuana. That is your choice. But when anti-abortionists attempt to use politics to advance theories of morality, and endanger individual civil liberties, something is deeply wrong in this country. Like the marijuana or even the arms debate, these issues are complex. Public policy should never placate the morality preferences of a select few, or the rather, the stupidity of the masses.

Below is an interview with the late George Tiller, which just surfaced recently via Physicians for Reproductive Health and Choice:

Tiller was known to wear a "Trust Women" button on his shirt. I hope he is never forgotten, and that one day all women will indeed be trusted to do what they feel is right to their own bodies, and for their own lives.

The weight of Haiti

I keep reading about what's going on in Haiti one week after the 7.0 earthquake, estimated to have killed at least 200,000 people, and I wonder: do Americans know what's going on over there? I mean, do they really know?

There have been several faulty news reports claiming that chaos has been unleashed in Port-Au-Prince ever since a recent prison outbreak. As the lede of a recent CBS News story callously claimed:

"Once again in Port-Au-Prince today, looting and lawlessness spread like a virus."

Really? "Like a virus"? Well shit! We'd better call in the entire US National Guard and arm them with the best tasers, pellet guns and tear gas money can buy! The kind of propaganda CBS is providing here is eerie in its blatant attempt to justify sending more security forces to the ravished black republic, rather than sending humanitarian aid. And what's more, the Heritage Foundation came out with a statement suggesting the lucrative nature of the situation:

"In addition to providing immediate humanitarian assistance, the U.S. response to the tragic earthquake in Haiti earthquake offers opportunities to re-shape Haiti’s long-dysfunctional government and economy as well as to improve the public image of the United States in the region."

This is just another prime example of neoliberal economic opportunism during times of natural disaster, a prime example of what Naomi Klein warned about in The Shock Doctrine.

But revisiting the idea that there is somehow a situation that calls for military efforts in lieu of humanitarian aid: If there is any sort of outbreak of violence (and there has not been any reports of humanitarian aid workers getting attacked thus far)--which, you know, is completely possible given that these people have been starving to death and suffering unimaginable physical pain--it would have absolutely nothing to do with greed or opportunism. It's like the MSM wants to turn the situation into the LA riots all of a sudden. This is just unacceptable.

Over the past week I've been following the coverage of Democracy Now! which has been compassionate and heartbreaking, and completely respectful to the Haitian population. Unlike those incompetent, asinine schmucks at CNN like Anderson Cooper, with his muscle tee, posing as a serious newsman, but really just exploiting the situation. I cried my heart out when I heard about the 27 year-old Haitian med student who was trapped inside a building for nearly a week and had to drink the blood of surrounding corpses just to stay alive. Or this outrageous story brought by a DN correspondent:

"...a helicopter from a Mormon charity had landed. It was on the ground, and there was Haitians all around, young and old, waiting for food to be handed out. This helicopter took off, off the ground, and began throwing the food down at the Haitians. It did not distribute it when it was on the ground. They threw the food from the air. These were ... See Morepackets of bread that they were throwing. It ignited just fury and indignation on the ground by the people there. They began screaming. One man started crying. He said, “We are a proud people. We are not dogs for you to throw bones at.”

Guardian columnist Seumas Milne rightfully called this "a result of calculated impoverishment" in his article the other day. Milne writes:

"Most scandalously, US commanders have repeatedly turned away flights bringing medical equipment and ­emergency supplies from organisations such as the World Food Programme and Médecins Sans Frontières, in order to give priority to landing troops. Despite the remarkable patience and solidarity on the streets and the relatively small scale of looting, the aim is said to be to ensure security and avoid "another Somalia" – a reference to the US ­military's "Black Hawk Down" ­humiliation in 1993. It's an approach that ­certainly chimes with well-­established traditions of keeping Haiti under control."

The situation in Haiti is absolutely devastating. But not nearly as devastating as what will happen if the U.S. gets away with militarizing and capitalizing upon the devastation itself.

What English sounds like

Can't remember how I found this video, but it's some Italian pop singer spouting off gibberish that he thinks sounds like English. I luuuurv it, and wonder, if I listen to this song long enough, will I know the "chorus" by heart?

See more funny videos and Music Videos at Today's Big Thing.

Neil Hamburger

Last night I went to see the Tim and Eric Awesome Songs Puss Whip Bang Gang show. Which was a lot better than it sounds. But what really made the overall experience was opening act Neil Hamburger, the faux-lounge comedian and alter ego of one Portland, Oregon-based comedian Gregg Turkington.

I was wedged between two friends, both absolute Tim and Eric obsessives, both into the same wacky British humor I grew up with, but one utterly disgusted by Mr. Hamburger, while the other (along with myself) roared with laughter, and had to repeat some of these jokes back a few times to make sure they were as off-color and hideous as they sounded. With Hamburger, the schtick is more about the posturing, phlegm-clearing, spitting into the cocktail, nervously brushing the comb-over to the side, yelling at the audience to shut up even though everyone is quiet, et al, that really makes it.

These jokes are bad. Real bad. But I just had to sit down and jot them all down before I went to bed last night, as if forgetting them would somehow leave a void in the very fabric of my soul. The part of the soul that yearns to blurt out every taboo, politically-incorrect idea that pops into one's head like a compulsive mental patient. Here they all are, in a somewhat chronological order:

1. What was the last good thing that the Osmonds produced in the last four decades?

A stillborn.

2. Why don't rapists eat at TGIFridays?

Because it's hard to rape with a stomach ache.

3. On the day before he was executed, why did the last meal that the Washington sniper requested consist of a can of Pringle's chips, a Nestle's chocolate bar, and a bucket of KFC chicken?

Because those were his sponsors.

4. Why did Colonel Sanders, on his death bed, give Sally Fields the secret spice recipe to make his chicken?

He was desperate for a blow job.

5. Why did God give Smashmouth five hit singles?

It was a clerical mixup, he meant to give them all syphilis.

6. What happens if you put one copper piece, a one cent coin, into each member of Smashmouth's ass?

They turn into Nickleback.

7. What's worse than 9/11?

311.

8. Why did Heath Ledger win over the hearts and minds of a generation?

Because he was a brilliant actor.

9. Why did soon-to-die Heath Ledger call Mary-Kate Olsen right before his quick demise?

He had just taken some pills that he needed to know how to throw up.

10. Why did Julia Roberts smear shit on her vagina?

To honor Heath Ledger. It a Tibetan Buddhist custom, to honor the dead that way.

11. How many Red Hot Chili Peppers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends on how recently they've shot up.

12. What did the Red Hot Chili Peppers do when they heard that no one liked their recent tracks?

They wore more long-sleeved shirts.

13. Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers want to be taken under the bridge?

There heard there was a plate they could poop on.

14. What is the difference between Harriet Tubman and the Red Hot Chili Peppers?

Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves, but the Red Hot Chili Peppers were slaves to the heroine.

15. Why did God create Domino's Pizza?

To punish humanity for all the complacency during the Holocaust.

16. How do you get your dog to stop licking its own balls?

Coat them in Domino's Pizza sauce.

17. What do you get when you cross Michael Jackson's life with Farrah Fawcett's death?

I don't know, but if I were you I'd stay away from the ass.

18. Who sponsored Michael Jackson's funeral?

Jack in the Box.

19. What do you call it when a homeless wino is raped and mugged by a sexual deviant?

A Wham reunion.

20. Why do the gays like Cher and Barbara Streisand so much?

Because it reminds people that there are easier people to hate than the gays.

21. How do you get Carlos Santana to stop trying to molest your children?

Put a guitar in his hands.

22. What did the medical doctors call it when they decided to cut off the life support they gave to a man in the hospital treated for being an imbecile?

Eric Clapton: Unplugged.

23. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a hockey mom?

A child with down syndrome, apparently.

24. What's the worst thing that Kenny G can give a woman after a one-night stand?

His latest album.

25. What do you get when you cross someone with down syndrome with a person with Turret's?

Ladies and gentleman...Robin Williams!