Starbucks Turned Me Into a Self-Hating White

Why is this goddamn Feist song stuck in my head? I'll tell you why, because I am so vanilla that I don't have my own tastes anymore, I am a product of one too many trips to the Starbucks at the bottom floor of my office building.

(Do-do-do-do...I feel it all, I feel it all...do-do-do-do...I feel it all, I feel it all...)

Last night, both the DS and Colbert did a peice on yesterday's premature shutdown of all Starbucks nationwide, so that they could re-train their baristas. Correspondent Jason Jones reported live from the streets of New York, and decided to try any alternative to a Starbucks trip that he could find. He went to a convenience store, ordered a cup of coffee, and had a panic attack upon attempting to lounge in the cramped, flourescent-lit shop:

"Wait a minute...you aren't playing Feist...and where are all the douchebags with laptops?" he said, desperately.

He then proceeded to rummage through a trash can and found a used condom within a Starbucks cup. The condom was filled with coffee--and he drank it. It was the most vile thing I've ever seen on Comedy Central.

I don't need to tell you that Colbert's account of the "caffeine eclipse" was just as absurd. After the stores re-opened, he was shown showering in a cup of house blend, and then lathering with cappucino foam.

This made me reflect upon the soul-crushing cultural impact that the "McDonald's of java" has successfully thrust down the throat of the masses.

According to USA Today:

"The kingpin of pricey coffee is intent on ranking among the top
trendmeisters before the decade is out. Something like: If you love the taste of
our coffee, you'll love our taste in pop culture, too. 'Call it the
Starbuckization of society,' says George Ritzer, sociology professor at the
University of Maryland. 'Starbucks has created the image that they're cutting
edge.'

Schultz is dead serious about taking his company Hollywood -- and
beyond. Starbucks Entertainment, formed two years ago, has 100 employees and is
relocating to Santa Monica, Calif. It retained the William Morris Agency to help
link the brand, via marketing ventures, with films, music and books. In some
cases, Starbucks will have a financial stake."

Don't get me wrong, I understand that the global caffeine pushers are doing a lot of socially innovative things with fair trade and sustainablility--both for workers and the environmnet--but the whole William Morris/Hollywood strategy creeps me out. Is this what pop culture is being reduced to? A facet of modern Americana only available through the filtration and distribution processes of an international chain of fast food coffee lounges?

I digress. I recently discovered that coffee is the #1 thing that white people like:

"White people all need Starbucks, Second Cup or Coffee Bean. They
are also fond of saying 'you do NOT want to see me before I get my morning
coffee.' White guys will also call it anything but coffee: 'rocket fuel,'
'java,' 'joe,' 'black gold,' and so forth. It’s pretty garbage all around.

If you want to go for extra points - white people really love FAIR TRADE
coffee, because paying the extra $2 means they are making a difference."

I always prided myself on being very non-white culturally. But then I found that all of the things listed that white people like, I like. I found numbers 8, 63, 72, 75 and 77 particularly applicable to me personally.

This despite the fact that my father once laughed at me in high school for my "whitebread" boyfriends, after which I fought hard to regain his respect, and the fact that a Vietnamese friend in high school said I was the most non-white white person she'd ever met, going so far as to give me her "Asian Pride" hoodie. And we were on the dance team together, so she was familiar with my sense of rhythm.

I blame Starbucks for brainwashing me into being too white. Oh Asian pride, where have you gone...

Three Blunts and a Bottle of Tequila Make Chicago Woman Superhuman, etc.

A woman in suburban Chicago was tasered eight times by local police during a domestic dispute with another woman, but didn't feel a thing because she was loaded. According to witnesses, the bionicwoman screamed out, "Uh-uh, I ain't goin' down like that!" (Or I could've imagined that in my head.)

In other news...

John McCain has the worst environmental record for 2007 than all 535 members of Congress AND has missed more votes than members who died mid-term according to the League of Conservation Voters. And he has jimmy leg and the gout, and bad breath(I may have made the last part up).

Lawrence Lessig is out of the race to fill representative Tom Lantos' spot after the Holocaust survivor and congressman passed away a few weeks ago. Let Congress' brain drain continue.

Wikileaks' Belgian site is still up, despite the fact that its US counterpart was taken down due to the posting of Swiss bank documents that were not of said banks' liking.

Don't make up fake Facebook profiles if you live in Morrocco: a man was sentenced to three years in prison for pretending to be Prince Moulay Rachid.

Bush-appointed bankruptcy judge Robert Somma has a thing for getting drunk in high heels and cocktail dresses.

Cindy Sheehan goes global with the protesting. You go, lady!

To Nancy, with Love

Today I wrote an email to Pelosi (she is my district rep) in regards to this unbelievable 60 minutes blackout story. Click here to watch the segment that was outright censored from Alabama residents last night. Click here to find out why former Alabama Gov. Don Siegelman has such a messy past with the justice-crushing jihadists at the DoJ. I'll give updates if her assistants actually get back to me:

Dear Speaker Pelosi,

It is with the utmost respect as a fellow Dem that I write to you and bring to the forefront a most troubling issue: the censorship of a 60 minutes broadcast about former Alabama governor Don Siegelman, which occurred last night, "coincidentally" enough, in the northern district of Alabama that the beleaguered statesman hails from. The merits of the censorship claim itself are shocking to say the least, but one needn't dig too deep to find a litany of dirty politics that has seeped up from the municipal level to the federal via Karl Rove and co.

Here's a NYT blogger on the Siegelman/60 min story, comparing the US to Pakistan in terms of censorship:
http://thelede.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/02/25/media-blackout-update-pakistan-and-alabama/

Now I know the whole wire tapping issue has been reduced to a mindless squabble about patriotism and the like, and I do believe you and your fellow members of the house are fighting the good fight to protect our once-sacred civil liberties--but surely you can see the multifaceted implications of the ongoing witch hunt of Mr. Siegelman? A witch hunt whereby the witch stands before the fire (or, in this, case, a seven year prison sentence) all because he is the only politician in Alabama history to have been elected to the four highest elected positions: Secretary of State, Attorney General, Lieutenant Governor and Governor (thank you Wikipedia).

Is being a Democrat a crime? Apparently, in Alabama it is.

Now I am well aware that there may be legitimate "corruption charges" against Mr. Siegelman for accepting $500,000 from a Mr. Scrush so that he could be appointed to some hospital board. But if this is a basis for imprisonment and a forever tarnished legacy, then why aren't the 146 Bush-Cheney donors who spent over $100,000 a pop to be appointed into government office behind bars as well?

And what of the burglaries that occurred several times in the Siegelman home up until his arraignment? Or the fire set to the house of key witness Dana Jill Simpson?

If none of these verified and cross-verified incidences can be thrown into evidence against Rove, Gonzalez, Canary, Riley, and whoever else I'm leaving out, surely you can approach this matter as an obstruction of the public trust and a clear attack on the barriers of our federal and state court system?!

Please let me know that something is being done. As a journalist I am appalled at this sloppy game of corruption, and that it has developed into a case of full-blown censorship.

Thank you for your time and due diligence in this matter.

Yours,

Amity [Amity's last name and address]

More rolf, less Ralph

Nader you asshole. You have to fuck with the popular will of the people of this country, don't you? I know this is a symbolic gesture to make it easy for third party candidates to run, but didn't you learn anything in 2000 you shithead? And this is no time for grand, principled gestures. Do you really think Clinton or Obama are running just to make a point, knowing that they won't win, but simply to make it easier for others like them to run in the future? Do you think that Bush ran to make the symbolic gesture that even the mentally retarded should have a shot at the presidency? If you cause Obama to loose to McCain, that's it, Canada here I come.

As I type this, I can't feel my left arm. I think something in my back is out of line and is creating a circulation problem. I think I've developed a dependency on chiropracy over the past few months. Every time my chiropractic student friend Sean comes to visit, he gets really drunk and says, "Who wants to get cracked?" Of course I volunteer, it feels great. And yes he's nearly broken my neck a few times by twisting it, but it just feels so good. But now I feel I'm dependent. Recently I heard about rolfing, which sounds like a cross between a massage and "getting cracked"--anyone heard of this? I think I need more rolf in my life, no Ralph thanks very much.

This anonymous video (anonymous of Scientology-bashing fame) about Ralph Nader is awesome btw, enjoy:



By the way, BARACK OBAMA SKATEBOARDED ALL THE WAY FROM THE BEACH JUST TO SEE YOU.

On Sufjan Stevens

The only way I know there is a god is that this beautiful man exists:

Pythons Hit San Francisco! FAQ

Much like the news that a spy satellite had malfunctioned and was plummeting to the Earth (up until yesterday, when a missle shot it down), I am a bit taken aback by the fact that I did not hear about the Burmese Pythons and their mission to wreak havoc upon my native soil until very recently.

"Whaaat's this" you say? "Where did you hear that?" My co-worker told me about it, and I almost shat myself.

I know I know, you must be just as confused about this as I was. Thankfully, I have compiled a list of frequently asked questions (FAQs FYI) about the pythons. Don't loose your shit.

Q: Why California and the Bay Area? Why not Kansas or some place equally miserable?

A: California provides a very comfortable climate for the Burmese Python. Also, according to USGS, the constructable snake is"highly adaptable to new environments" and cannot be stopped.

Q: Can they be stopped?

A: See quesion #1. No, not if the USGS has anything to say about it.

Q: How will they get here? Will they inflitrate a series of commuter planes unless Samuel L. Jackson whoops ass?

A: No, they will traverse the American south from Florida, where their massive Everglades community thrives. Along the way, they will refuel by feasting upon beavers.

Q: How do they survive in Florida? Don't the alligators eat them?

A: Yes, alligators can eat them. But they can swallow an alligator whole, and have been known to do so--often.

Q: How fast do they travel?

A: 20 miles per month. So look out, summer of 2010!

Q: Wait--how large are these things?

A: They can grow up to 23 feet and weigh up to 250 pounds.
Q: Can you please give me the most f-ed up, absurd quote from the SF Chronicle article?

A: Sure, glad you asked:

"The snakes also like to eat rodents, deer and other mammals. Small
Florida deer have been turning up inside the digestive tracts of Everglades
pythons, which has alarmed deer lovers and also the
deer."

Q: So will they attack us?

A: The article does not go into this matter. Much like the articles about the spy satellite which downplayed the threat to human life.

Q: If they did attack us, how might they go about doing it?
A: According to the article, young pythons spend much of their time in trees--watch your head!

Q: Do they breed very rapidly?

A: They lay up to 100 eggs at a time.

Q: I just shat myself.

A: That's not a question. And I told you not to do that.

Yo yo. For real y'all I am all retyyyr n shit. Don't step, don't step. You know my game is real, my game's legit, show-tie cawww me, cawww me bay-be. I am maxin and relaxin--heyal. Holla!

I gots ma Adidas and ma pinkay ring, you gots your game son? I am fo reeaal. I am Caastro. Caaaystro y'all. Shit.

Presidents' Day Pop Quiz

The following is a quiz on U.S. presidents based upon information compiled from "America (The Book)." I hope you like it:

1. According to Stephen Colbert, the following president was a "...worthless piece of shit. His presidency was a taint, not just in the sense of a 'stain in the office,' but literally a taint--the anatomical area between the anus and the testicles." Who was the flagophile referring to?

a. William McKinley
b. Rutherford B. Hayes
c. William G. Harding

2. Who was responsible for the following quote from 1830: "Listen, Chief Crybaby. You and your papooses will take the swampland, and you will like it"?

3. Who was our whitest president, tied only with Washington, Jefferson, Monroe, Madison, Jackson, and Van Buren?

4. Which president also served as Chief Justice and found that "beefsteak is delicious" in the case of U.S. v. Beefsteak, 1925?

5. Who was quoted as saying, "Put another brick in my hookah, Chow Ming, and fetch me fresh silks, I've soiled myself again"?

a. Franklin Pierce
b. Chester Arthur
c. James Polk

6. Which president's Farewell Address was entitled, "I only took this job for the poontang"? (Poontang in this case referring to a colonial delicacy consisting of the fermented juice of the rare poonberry tree).

7. Who was our gayest president? (Hint: when this president returned to the White House at the height of the "Gay Nineties" it was after defeating Benjamin Harrison in a debate with shrieks of "Oh, listen to her!")

Answers:

1. William G. Harding

2. Andrew Jackson

3. George H.W. Bush

4. William Howard Taft

5. Franklin Pierce

6. George Washington

7. Grover Cleveland

Taliban Teleport



I've watched this video, and re-watched it, and I finally think I've figured it out you guys. My friend Bobby L found it online, and doesn't know where it came from or what it means. He just knows he likes to hum the tune and dance to it.

So here's my interpretation: we have the technology to teleport people. But the glitch in the system is, every time you teleport yourself, your presence it replaced by a member of the Taliban. Hence the proliferation of Taliban operatives in this modern world of advanced technology. It just makes good sense.

My question is: if you had your own mobile teleport device, but knew you would be spreading international terrorism by using it, would you still do it?

A Valentine for Perfect Strangers

I believe it was Scottish Hilary that sent me this video valentine a few years ago, and I've held it in my heart ever since. Hope you enjoy it, perfect strangers.



Brilliant Benjamin quote: "The only way to know a person is to love them without hope." Was there a truer phrase ever said?

Non sequiturs: "I Drink Your Milkshake" Edition

Kids, today I'm going to start a non-sequitur section of the 'ole blog 'n chain. My head is swimming in a sea of useless information this fine February evening, here's some of the more useless stuff:

As of last week, Nebraska outlawed death by electrocution as its sole method of execution. Gooo Nebraska! Did you know: the term "electrocution" was coined by West Orange, New Jersey press in 1887 when Thomas Edison, to prove electrical power competitor Westinghouse had inferior services with its AC, or alternating current, generators (as opposed to DC, direct current) strapped small domesticated animals to metal plates and fried them, using Westinghouse's technology, in front of a crowd of spectators? Today, an estimated 1 million people worldwide receive electroconvulsive shock therapy to treat depression.

Some people think superdelegates are super. Some, not so much. I just wish I could have been one at age 21, being wined and dined by the Clintons like this Jason Rae guy, who joined the DNC at 17. Like his fellow superdelegates, Jason can count himself among a motley, ragtag team of "kingmakers", just like Nogai Khan and Warwick, the Kingmaker. Nogai lost one of his eyeballs in a fight with his brother-in-law, Abaqa Khan in Tbilisi, Georgia. They say an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind, but if it was just one eye for no good reason, I think they say that most of the world, generally, is going to be fairly copasetic.

What do you think when you imagine crimes against humanity? I think of a lot of brutal, unconscionable atrocities, but none as great as this. Pennsylvania resident Dylan Stephan Jayne is one poor bastard, and I hope Google coughs up that much-deserved $5 mil. Those sneaky bastards. My social security number spells "big brother is watching" upside-down, don't ask me how. Did you know that the "zip" in zip code stands for zoning improvement plan?

Speaking of bucks, every F.B.I. interrogator who's any F.B.I. interrogator knows the trick to getting all the good info lies in the quality of the coffee you give your interrogatee. That's why I'm pleased to announce that our great men down in Guantanamo Bay serve only the finest Starbucks coffee to international terror suspects. A lawyer who visited last year wrote in In These Times magazine:

There is (of course) a Starbucks, a McDonalds, a combined Subway-Pizza Hut, a Wal-Mart-like big box store called the Nex and a gift shop . . . yes, Guantanamo has a gift shop that sells Guantanamo key chains, shot glasses, t-shirts and shell tchotchkes. Fillipino and Haitian workers staff all the establishments. And in the distance, beyond these icons of American consumption, is the “gulag.”

I haven't been this excited about Starbucks' rise in global market dominance since I read this story yesterday. Tchotchke is a variation of the Yiddish word "chachka" meaning "cheap showy trinket."

The Joy of Sex just got updated. Those bored with the "Viennese Oyster" may find a real jem in the "Venus Butterfly." This expanded version also includes such high-tech 21st century sections as the concept of phone sex. Kate Winslet, giving advice on what to say during phone sex via Extras, says: "I'm fudding myself stupid and bloody loving it."

In 1924, Senator Albert Bacon Fall coined a term that rivals the best Napolean Dynamite quips. At a congressional hearing for accepting bribes to drill oil on public lands in California and Wyoming, he remarked, "Sir, if you have a milkshake and I have a milkshake and my straw reaches across the room, I'll end up drinking your milkshake." Today, filmmaker P.T. Anderson has revived that term in "There Will Be Blood." A Kelis mashup YouTube video ensued:

Jai guru deva, indeed

In memoriam of the Maharishi, who died last Tuesday leaving a powerful footprint on western culture behind--most notably through the Beatles, the Beach Boys, Donovan and David Lynch--I take you to the foothills of the Himalayas, hanging over the Ganges for a fab four love fest...



On a related note, to mark NASA's 50th anniversary, space cadets beamed "Across the Universe", er, across the universe, directing the song towards Polaris--431 light-years away--last week. Scientists at Arizona State University were concerned that the broadcast could provoke an attack by aliens. "Before sending out even symbolic messages," a researcher told Harper's, "we need an open discussion about the potential risks."

P.S. Thank you Hilary, for telling me about "Catching the Big Fish: Meditation, Consciousness, and Creativity" on audiobook. I will be listening David Lynch's glorious voice as he describes transcendental mediation and the creative process on my ipod at every spare moment.

File under: Great Dopplegangers of the 21st Century



If Barack Obama were a tranny bassist for the Butchies, his name would be Alison Martlew and he would look like this:

You guys I seriously did not photoshop this shit. I don't even know photoshop. Thank you for sending this along Erica. Is it just me, or is there some great cosmic DNA artist that's running out of paint?

Be there or be square.

Anonymous and Project Chanology

A group of computer hackers calling themselves "anonymous" have launched several gorilla hacking attacks on the Church of Scientology, and have announced that there will be mass protests against the Church, dubbed "Project Chanology" (YouTube it) on February 10th. (LA Times article here).

Their call to action was spurred by a recent action by YouTube to remove a video of Tom Cruise ranting about how Scientology is "a blast", he also claimed:

"We are the authorities on getting people off drugs, we are the
authorities on the mind, we are the authorities on improving conditions ... we
can rehabilitate criminals ... we can bring peace and unite communities."

Anonymous claimed they stood in oposition to Scientologists' "speech-suppression tactics", which they claim include "frivolous" lawsuits and the use of copyright and trademark laws to silence free speech.

Here's Anonymous' little Guy Fawkes proclamation, as posted on their site:

"Be wary, be wary, of the Tenth of February,
Scientology's
treason and plot, I know of no reason why Hubbard's treason, Should ever be
forgot. Be wary, be wary, of the Tenth of February,
Scientology's treason
and plot, I know of no reason why Hubbard's treason, Should ever be
forgot."

On a related note, last night I was having a drunken conversation with friends and we started talking about the Church, and Operation Clambake. I used to go to this non-profit's site all the time because it had sooo much info on the Church, and had even posted insane propaganda posters for the Church's naval fleet, Sea Org. When I recently tried to do a Google search, I couldn't find their site. Apparently, under the strong intimidation from the Church, Google had delisted it. Today, you can go to Xenu.net, the new name for Operation Clambake.

Protest the Scientologists! Down with censorship!!!

Confessions of a Hillary Player Hater

As a wise nerd once told me in a high school Algebra class when I said I hated Coach Fill-in-the-blank, the big buff moron who taught it, "You don't hate Coach Fill-in-the-blank, you simply misunderstand him." And she was right. And that is how I feel about Senator Clinton.

The other night I had a heart-to-heart with a female friend in her 40s, who was very offended by my recent hatemongering towards Hillary Clinton. A few nights prior, I had threatened to egg her campaign headquarters which are right down the street from my house because I was annoyed by walking past them all the time, and I had even said that I would vote for McCain if Clinton won the nomination, just to spite her. My friend told me that young women of my generation take a lot for granted, that I had no idea how lucky I was that I could call myself Ms. Amity instead of only Miss or Mrs. She said we don't realize how hard it was--and still is--for a woman to rise through the ranks like Clinton. As much as she was leaning towards Obama on Super Tuesday, in the end she wound up reminiscing about "Free to Be You and Me," a children's program that she watched with her mother as a child, which became one of the first politicizing experiences in her young life. She voted Hillary.

I felt bad you guys. Like a thoroughly crazed a-hole.

I realized that I had been acting out of a deep-rooted fear of seeing my country stuck in the Middle East until the day I die. My dislike and misunderstanding comes from fear, not rational thought.

But I look at Clinton's track record and it makes me scared: her vote against the Levin Amendment for more diplomacy before giong to war, her vote for the war and her reluctance to say that she made a mistake, not to mention the more recent vote she made to categorzie the Iranian Revolutionary Guard as a terrorist organization. This does not a true progressive make, but I really think I used my own ridiculous standards for women in power to demonize her. If I assume that all female world leaders must be more peace-loving, warmer, and more liberal than their male counterparts, that's my own gender discrimination talking.

But I feel like I have found all of these stereotypical female traits in a leader--and it's Barack Obama. There are even schools of thought that believe that, in a sense, he will be our first female president.

And what he could do to inspire others is beyond anything I may ever see in my lifetime. If he were white, or a woman, or a black woman, his/her speeches wouldn't be any less powerful, or his/her policies and plans for action against the war any less potent. He reaches people in ways that Clinton can only dream of. Timothy Egan recently wrote in the NYT:

"Obama has made cynics wilt, and stirred the heart of long-dead politicos in places where Democrats haven’t had a pulse in years. Cecil Andrus,the eagle-headed eminence of Idaho, a former governor and Democratic cabinet
member, nearly lost his voice introducing Obama in Boise on Saturday. He recalled a time when he was a young lumberjack who drove down the Clearwater Valley to see Jack Kennedy speak in Lewiston, a day that changed his life.

“I’m older now, some would suggest in the twilight of a
mediocre political career,” Andrus said. “I, like you, can still be inspired. I
can still hope.”

This kicked off the second biggest political rally in Idaho history. And the first? That was when President Dwight Eisenhower came to visit. Last week his granddaughter, Susan Eisenhower, made a small bit of family
history on her own. She said that if Obama is the nominee, “this lifelong
Republican will work to get him elected.”

But what I realize now is that I should have been a little less emotional and misogynist in my rant. Especially with these a-holes running 'round spreading the hate.

I could go on and on to try to justify my strong-dislike-bordering-hatred for this woman, but I won't because I realize what she means to others. And at the end of the day she is an amazing woman admired by many, and rightfully so.

Yes we can.

Wow you guys. Scarlet Johansson's like this mystical siren and she's calling me you guys, she's calling me to...change...cause, you know, yes we can...Thank you Black-Eyed Peas for this...I don't know what the fuck to make of this but wow...you've managed to unite Johansson, Kareem Abdul Jabar, that girl from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air and that one chick that was in that Britney Spears movie and even that model who used to be super and is actually Canadian, all to hear the call of Obama. I also heard Tyra Banks is showcased in an alternative version of this song, which is by leaps and bounds even more powerful.

Peace at Last

Thank god I voted today. I feel my voice was critical for the outcome of this election. I was a part of history today and I want to scream it from the rooftops! God bless democracy! I love you America, and you're alright too San Francisco!!! Woo hoo!!! Yessssss!!!!!

I really didn't care for most of the measures on that ballot though. Choosing a democratic nomination: eh. Limiting term limits for state legislators: who cares? Giving more money to Indian tribes: BO-RING! I made it to that polling booth for one reason and one reason only: Prop C, people. The Alcatraz Conversion Project.

Brought to you by the Global Peace Foundation, in association with One Earth, One People, Peace Vision, Inc, this new center's gonna be kick-ass! I can just imagine all the peace that's gonna happen, as soon as we have a center on an island for it! Sorry Darfur region, you won't be making headlines anymore. And too bad for you Israelis and Palestinians, guess you're gonna have to do something else in your spare time instead of being all non-peaceful 'n shit. Just imagine this:

"The Alcatraz Conversion Project involves removing the main prison block and in its place, we envision constructing an International Conference Center For Non-Violent Conflict Resolution, along with the Harmonium, an aesthetically beautiful multi-faceted geodesic dome. The Harmonium will employ advanced three dimensional holographic sound technologies and other special effect technologies which will which will promote and elicit a deep meditative, transpersonal and transcendental experience! An Ascension Experience!!

In addition, we envision a dramatic Statue of St. Francis, welcoming all to the San Francisco Bay Area plus an Alcatraz Museum which will archive the long and short term history of THE ROCK. The Global Peace Center, based on the geometry of the Hexagram, will be magnificently landscaped, and redesigned with graceful curves by removing its jagged cliffs. A permanent MEDICINE WHEEL and a LABYRINTH will be constructed, thus providing sacred sanctuary and ceremonial spaces. The island will be an international showcase for sustainable energy technologies, ie: solar, wind and ocean thermal generated energy systems.

Holy crap you guys I can't wait.

Quote of the Week

"She looks crafty, like she sews. She looks like someone who likes to sew her clothes the old fashioned way to feel a connection to ladies from long ago, doesn't she Amity?"

--Paul M, Looking out his car window at a young woman dressed in a long ankle skirt and wool coat and toting a homemade handbag at a bus stop.

Shepard Fairey Illustration, given to me by Matt, with a special message.

Obama v Clinton Rant

I am so sick of this heinous woman, this Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, and I do not care if your automatic response is that I am a misogynist, hear me out on this because this is important, and whoever is reading this now better just give in to rational thought and vote for the only person to come along in decades that actually inspires hope and has singlehandedly been able to break through the more than base apathy felt in my generation and appeal to those who are for the first time in their lives of proper voting age and whose only political knowledge consists of the Onion and Vice magazine and I just had a friend of said variety that went on and on at great length (sure he was stoned and drunk but that's beside the point) about Obama's performance in the California democratic debates and could recite word for word Obama's foreign policy strategies and his health care plan which really, if you knew anything about health care policy and did your homework, you would see that Hillary's plan is weak in that she doesn't understand the underlying constraints (poverty) on people seeking medical attention, she just doesn't see why people or small businesses for that matter do not purchase healthcare plans and in this case the triangulation approach to politics her husband championed and bestowed upon her has come at the cost of her false populist posturing like so many of her other policies and besides, her track record does not give her authority on the matter nor does spending time as someone's spouse, I know beggars can't be choosers when it comes to electing a female president, but do we really want a first lady for first president I sure don't, there just has to be female politicians out there who got to where they are on their own merits rather than supporting their husbands and I know the argument that she was really instrumental 'ole Bill's presidency but honestly I don't want a Bush/Clinton legacy, America is supposed to be a society of meritocracy not "democratic" nepotism and besides that, even if you make the argument that she is more specific in the outlining of her policies than Obama guess what it doesn't mean shit because the only thing you can do is trust your instincts when it comes to electing the next president, if you actually looked back and compared what presidential candidates said they would do for the country to what they actually did once elected, you would see so many disparities it would make you're head spin, and if Oprah, Hulk Hogan and Lawrence Lessig support Obama, that's one hell of an endorsement trifecta and good enough for me and you know what the fact that he's black doesn't even come into the equation for me and I am so goddamn sick of the whole media brouhaha about gender v race with these two candidates; throw in Romney's faith and you can throw creed into the mix, and I will not subscribe to the notion that our nation is playing a collective game of rock, paper, scissors with gender, race, and creed it is about quality of the individual--I genuinely believe that American voters are smart enough to see beyond these factors but on the topic of gender, let me just say that I was disgusted as a woman to see Mrs. Clinton up there on TV crying over how important this race is--I heard an underlying threating tone to that emotional display, as if she were Guiliani on estrogen pills, if she wants to throw in the threat that she's the only person that can truly "defend the homeland" in times like these she can stop while she's ahead because I ain't about to stand for an American version of 'ole Iron Britches Margaret Thatcher, I don't mean to make stereotypes but I'm a little weary when it comes to women who play hard like Thatcher and Condoleeza Rice and feel they need to beef up their military might just to show they have the proverbial cohones and if you don't think that was part of Mrs. Clinton's political misstep for VOTING FOR THE WAR then I don't know what else to say and I'm sorry if my mother won't be able to live to see a female president but by god I do not want that hawk in sheep's clothing in that office--we need an ultimate, superhuman diplomat with a Christian AND Muslim background and with a middle name like, say, HUSSEIN, to really throw jihadists and radical Islamic militants into a tizzy VOTE OBAMA!!!

Drunkard History: Volume 2

How excited am I about this one? Sooo very excited. Jack Black is lovely as Ben Franklin, but I do think Michael Cera is far more advanced in the genre of drunken historical re-enactments, and his heart-rendering portrayal of Alexander Hamilton was electrifying. Yes. I'd say electrifying. You decide:

Heresy

Last night me and Sarah V wrapped up the first season of "The Tudors", a very very (emphatically, very!) factual account of the lives and wives of King Henry VIII (played by Jonathan Rhys Meyer) and his court.

These bonding sessions allow us to both revisit our college days when we obsessed over a BBC series about King Hank, and allow us to learn about medieval life in general. Also, the actress who plays Anne Boleyn is so goddamn smug, and smirks so much that you can play drinking games to her smirks.

We learned a lot about history and stuff. From this remarkably informative program, we learned that:

--King Henry was hot when he was young, but not nearly as hot as that one dude in his court who totally looks like Chris Martin from Coldplay and had a homosexual affair with a young choir boy.

--Queen Catherine of Aragon, as portrayed in this show, does not curse "Oh Santa Maria!" nearly as much as she did when she was in that BBC series.

--Medieval lawyers had hipster hairdos and were very fashion forward. Also, hotter than King Henry.

--Consumption sucks. Especially when you can't find your husband to catch you as you fall over in a pool of your own blood vomit because he is busy banging a chambermaid.

--If you are royalty, not only do you have an audience when you do your banging, but you also have to have someone standing with a bucket while you masturbate.

--The plague is scary, but luckily you can ward it off with leeches or having lots of sex (i.e. "banging") to sweat it out.

--People did a lot of banging in medieval times. It was very "free love." Like the 60s, only with less drugs and more guillotines.

Anyways. We got to talking about "heresy" and Sarah V asked me if you can still get in trouble for it. I didn't think you could, but then I found this Wall St Journal article which claims that heresy is on the rise. (Look out--I hear the projected mutiny stats for 2007 will be just as surprising!)

In the article, a 71 year-old woman named Karolyn Caskey is cited on trespassing charges at a baptist church by her pastor. The real charge was more complicated than that though. Apparently she had questioned Pastor Burrick's authority when she firmly suggested that, as his congregation grew, he should hire a board of deacons to manage church affairs, as stated in the church's charter. He likened her suggestion to spreading "a spirit of cancer and discord." Caskey was a church member for 50 years, donated 10 percent of her pension to the church, and taught Sunday school. She was sent to the local jail.

Another case from earlier this month saw a pastor of a 6,ooo-member megachurch threatening to expel 74 congregants for "gossiping" unless they repented for suing the pastor for access to the church's financial records.

Over the last decade, more than 24 lawsuits have been brought against pastors by congregants on defamation charges. In 2003, a woman and her husband won suit against the Iowa Methodist conference and its superintendent after he publicly accused her of "spreading the spirit of Satan" by gossiping about him. Courts typically refuse to hear cases like this because churches are protected by the constitutional right to "free religious exercise."

I feel that the church has a bit too much constitutional protection under the law if it's that difficult to sue someone for publicly shaming and casting you out from, in many people's case, the only community you know. This inefficiency in legislating religion reminded me of a Robert Green Ingersoll quote I came across recently, which addresses the importance of a separation of church and state, but may just as well apply to the ways in which a pastor can feel "above the law":

Men who believe in the liberty of man, who are willing to die for the honor of their country, will be excluded from taking any part in the administration of its affairs. Such a provision would place the country under the feet of priests. To recognize a Deity in the organic law of our country would be the destruction of religious liberty. The God in the Constitution would have to be protected. There would be laws against blasphemy, laws against the publication of honest thoughts, laws against carrying books and papers in the mails in which this constitutional God should be attacked. Our land would be filled with theological spies, with religious eavesdroppers, and all the snakes and reptiles of the lowest natures, in this sunshine of religious authority, would uncoil and crawl.

It is proposed to acknowledge a God who is the lawful and rightful Governor of nations; the one who ordained the powers that be. If this God is really the Governor of nations, it is not necessary to acknowledge him in the Constitution. This would not add to his power. If he governs all nations now, he has always controlled the affairs of men.

Robert Green Ingersoll - “God in the Constitution”

Right on dude, right on.

(Un)Happy 75th Anniversary Nazi Germany!

Today marks the anniversary of the rise of Adolph Hitler to the post of German Chancellor. The NYT takes a revealing look at the turmoil of a country grappling to form a positive national identity, and struggling with the politics of remembrance and redemption in modern Berlin.

To "celebrate" this day, view the end of Charlie Chaplin's 1940 film "The Great Dictator", a political satire about Hitler with a "Prince and the Pauper" theme. Chaplin plays the Hitler character and his twin, brazenly mocking the evils of fascism, and concluding with a universal cry for change. The end speech is one of the most powerful clarion calls for peace and humanity ever captured on film, and marked Chaplin's first "talkie":

Oh Charney, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways...

Sexual Harassment As A First Amendment Right

Today I'm going to write a news story that was passed along by a little PR birdie. My boss refused to let me write about it because someone in our other office already snagged it and I am BUMMED! So, basically...

Just last week, Los Angeles Superior Court decided that the sexual harassment and wrongful termination suit against American Apparel mogul Dov Charney will be settled outside of court, through an arbiter. Behind closed doors, sans standard judge and jury, the case will be the first ever tried in relation to a previous sexual harassment suit brought upon the frat boy antic-obsessed writers of "Friends."

In the 2002 suit brought against the popular series' writers, the female plaintiff described a "boys club" environment of simulated masturbation in cubicles, open discussion of sex involving actress' Cox and Aniston, and graphic sexual drawings passed around the office. The "Friends" case was dismissed after plaintiff Amaani Lyle's failed appeal attempt in 2006, on the grounds that the events were not directly targeting her (although she reported being grilled about her personal sex life by colleagues), and that the behavior was acceptable because it occurred in a "creative work environment" and was categorized as part of the "exchange of ideas."

Charney has cleverly hired lead counsel Adam Levine, a key player in the "Friends" suit, who will argue that the AA founder's behavior--including calling his employees sluts and whores--is a part of the marketing and advertisement dept's creative process.

Apparently, the "Friends" ruling sets a fantastic precedent for Charney, who faces his fifth major sexual harassment suit.

Verified accounts of the handlebar-moustached 70s fashionista include countless charges of indecency including: holding meetings in his underwear, approaching women with nothing but a Red Hot Chili Peppers-inspired sock to cover his penis, requesting that a female employee masturbate with him in his office, and telling an HR woman to hire young women he could have sex with, preferably Asian.

Every time Charney exploits a woman, God throws a bag of kittens off a cliff.

And then there was the 2005 Jane Magazine brouhaha, in which reporter Claudine Ko interviewed Charney as he masturbated several times and, at one point, calling in a female employee to perform fellatio. Below is an excerpt:

I asked him how he relaxed. Oral sex he says, settling into a chair behind a cloud of smoke. “I love it … I am a bit of a dirty guy, but people like that right now.”

Explaining exactly how the rest of the night unraveled is somewhat difficult. Let’s just say, the female employee helped him “put on a show” for me. I watched, trying to be objective, detached - sorta like a … war reporter?

Side note: this article successful convinced me not to: a)buy American Apparel anymore and b)never read Jane again.

According to an '05 BusinessWeek article, there were several employees who thought there was simply a general misconception about Dov, that such "harassment" was just a part of his quirky persona, but others held a different view. The magazine reports:

They told stories of senior managers who pursued sexual relationships with less senior colleagues and rewarded their favorites with promotions, company cars, and apartments. "It was a company built on lechery," says a former stock person. "I thought it was a male contemporary perspective on feminism, but it turns out to be just a gimmick," says another ex-employee.

In one of the most recent interviews with Charney, CNBC's Margaret Brennan reports that, off-air, her subject yelled a series of expletives at her during an investor conference by the mere mention of his sexual harassment lawsuit:

He yelled with pointed finger in my face (and I'm quoting) "I know dirty and I know clean and that was dirty!"

As Charney's professional behavior is called into question, another high-profile sexual harassment case that was filed in 2006 could get a similar verdict as a result of the "Friends" writers' success. In it, a former female employee of the "Maury Povich Show" slapped a $100 million suit against Povich and other employees alleging she was "forced...to run a gauntlet of sexually abusive and intimidating conduct," including "pos[ing] in sexually explicit positions," and exposing her breasts to be "photographed and shown" on the Maury Povich Show. This suit, much like the other sexual harassment cases, is sure to push for the First Amendment rights of the defendants.

Employment and labor lawyers across the country are watching the recent Charney case, as it could inject a host of constitutional complexities into the already-gray areas of sexual harassment policy.

My verdict: I'm a little torn about all of these cases. A side of me desperately wants to see Charney put behind bars or loose a great deal of money so that his politically-warped empire ultimately crumbles, but then again, I cannot wholeheartedly side with the women involved in any of these situations. In the cases of Charney and Pouvich: come on ladies, know the company you work for, and know you're signing away your self-respect as a feminist. In the "Friends" case, I am considerably torn because, while the plaintiff was not directly targeted, it's not as if a part of the "creative process" involved pornographic scenarios. Unless there's an alternative series of "Friends" that plays late night on Cinemax.

"Disco Dancer" Covers: Good for Dance Music In General

So I've been flirting with a fleeting interest in the freaky tribal hip hop of M.I.A.'s last album, "Kala" ever since it came out in August, and I think I'm now officially hooked. Despite hearing she's a dull, lifeless performer, despite my first exposure to the gunfire rhythm section of "Paper Planes" (which kinda freaked me out to be honest), and despite all of the off-putting hype, she's grown on me like a fungus, like athlete's foot if I were indeed an athlete.

Her sound is all over the map in so many ways--geographically, sonically, lyrically---that to track its cultural origins seems as tedious as long division; the Observer did a great job of recapping her globe-trotting recording sessions, though.

And then there's the familiarity of some of the songs. Specifically "Jimmy", which I just discovered is actually a cover of the only Bollywood film I've ever viewed in its entirety, 1982's "The Disco Dancer." I won't pretend to know that I understood anything about that film, my friend Gabriel played host to a viewing a few years back and he could speak volumes on it, I'm sure. I do recall that it involved an electric guitar capable of emitting electric shocks to people, and that there was a thrilling world disco competition.

Also, the choreography of that film was just mind-blowing. I didn't realize that the human body was capable of purposefully producing a graceful, rhythmic epileptic fit, in such a way that it comes across as both sexy and demure.

Here's the video of the song "Jimmy Jimmy Jimmy Aaja" that inspired M.I.A.'s cover:


I LOOOVE M.I.A.'s cover, but I wish she'd actually dance to give proper justice to this song, instead of using a Shiva getup to hide her lack of moves. Apparently M.I.A. danced to this as a little girl in Sri Lanka to entertain party guests, it's a wonder why she didn't break them out here:



I'm really glad she covered this song though, allowing the world of Bollywood music to clandestinely seep into the Western mainstream of "urban" pop. I feel like America has been lacking in the dance music department for far too long, and if this can inspire dancing, I am very excited. On a related note, I've been dying to take Indian dance lessons ever since watching this film, this is the only place on the internets where I was able to track an instructor in all of San Francisco. Who's up for this in July?

The Power of Panties and Poems in Burma

I nominate Saw Wai as Burma's national poet. He wrote an eight-line "love poem" in a popular Burmese magazine that spells out, if read vertically, "Power crazy senior general Than Shwe." Shwe being the current junta leader--Wai of course was promptly arrested. Excerpts from the poem, entitled "February 14" include: "You have to be in love truly, madly, deeply and then you can call it real love." It ends with, "Millions of people who know how to love please clap your hands of gilded gold and laugh out loud." I love the tactic of crying out for people to love bravely, while, even braver yet, calling a tyrant out on his shit.

I also read about a women's rights group called "Panties for Peace" that has been sending and/or throwing their undies to Burmese Embassies all over the world since October because, apparently, Burmese leaders are afraid of ladies' underpants. They believe that undies will strip them of their power.

I have to admit, I see where these Burmese dudes are coming from. I mean, panties have been used to exert power for quite a while. Ever since ladies' underpants made the transition from dowdy bloomers to garments small and mobile enough to be thrown, women have been using them as weapons of mass distraction. Look at the king here, he just doesn't know what to do with himself after a lady in the audience threw her panties at him on stage. And how many infidelities have been exposed as a result of the misplaced (or purposefully placed) undergarment?

If you'd like to send your panties to Burmese leaders and take away their power too, find an embassy and send them a special gift. Here's the address to the Burmese Embassy in DC:

EMBASSY OF THE UNION OF MYANMAR
2300, S STREET, N.W, WASHINGTON D.C.20008

Top Ten Worst Sunsets

Over the weekend I took _______(legal counsel has advised that I revise this statement) at a Schnitzel house and then went out for a night on the town. I highly recommend it. Although I do not recommend eating the hot German mustard. Everyone at my table did, and they kept saying, "Oh my god my brain is melting!" immediately drowning themselves in glass boots full of beer to ease the pain.

At some point my friend Andy K and I had a discussion. He was irritated that everyone was oohing and aahing the sunset earlier that day. He felt that sometimes the sunset is just not that great.

(Amendment: Sarah V claims that her distaste for sunsets pre-empted Andy K's. Geez you guys, is this really gonna be a great debate that I may never hear the end of? Typical.)

Here are my top 10 worst sunsets. Here you go Andy K AND Sarah V:


10. The autonomous community of Palma de Mallorca in the Balearic Islands, off the coast of Spain, has some seriously heinous sunsets. The man in this picture was having a perfectly mediocre day when all of a sudden...where'd the sun go? Why is this beach do dark and uninviting? Oh Christ where's my flask, he wonders.


9.This picture was taken in India. Himachal Pradesh, to be precise. Notice how gorgeous the Himalayas are here. Too bad the sunset had to take a big dump all over them. Yuck.




8. I'm not sure where this one came from, as it was found on some dude's blog--apparently he's got a sky fetish. I can only imagine this was shot from a greyhound bus in Centralia, Pennsylvania, just before the bloated vehicle was to sink below the earth into a perpetually burning coal mine.




7. Who cares where this sunset came from. It is uuu-gly! This sunset was not only beaten by the ugly stick; it plummeted from an ugly tree, repeatedly beaten by various ugly branches as it fell.





6. "Oooh, behold, I'm, like, the sun, and I'm just gonna hang here for a while and completely blind commuters as they shuffle through their miserable existence. Behold my power and majesty, I'm sooo awesome. "

And you wonder why people jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.





5. So underwhelming I'm at a loss for words.








4. I'm sure this is a lovely pier--in the daytime! The cold, purple pastel hues make this beach look like a cesspool of infectious disease. If I had a nickel for every sea lion that must have vomited off this pier each day when the sun went down...





3. This picture looks like something painter Mark Rothko took when he was in community college and took an intro to photography class, not sure if the whole "art thing" was really for him. Damn it's ugly.





2. Another blogging gentleman named Ted Taylor shot this one. Hey Ted Taylor, the sky called, and it wants its disgusting mauve manifestation back so it won't be exploited on the internets.





1. ..........(Drum roll please!)

The worst sunset ever was shot in the Manitoba province of Canada! Somewhere along Lake Winnipeg people are being blinded by the site of this monstrosity on a daily basis. Let's all have a moment of silence, and show compassion for their pain.

Where were you at 2:18 pm on January 22, 2008?

Me, I was wiki-ing Heath Ledger of course. That dude died (RIP). And you know what? If that weren't traumatizing enough, I sat before the entry--which had been hacked--and viewed a picture of a massive cock and balls that was almost larger than life. The wikipolice were on the case, however. As soon as I refreshed my page, the cock and balls had miraculously vanished.

I'm really glad you can count on those wikifreaks to fight the good fight of perpetual editing open sourced digital information, but I doubt that if I made my own entry about The Great Heath Ledger Cock and Balls incident, it would not instantaneously be erased, much like my Hang Loose Hawaii entry.

Regardless, this will no doubt go down in my own personal history books as the day I saw The Great Heath Ledger Cock and Balls. My parents had their moment with the whole JFK thing. Let me have mine goddamn it.

Happy MLK Day

If you don't have the day off like I do, your employer must be a racist. Look at this beautiful man--look at him! The soul, the compassion, the grace! My first blog post was about him and this holiday. I wrote it for a class while in London; I found some awesome quotes about the importance of this man. Go here.

Stuck Tune Syndrome

Ever since I saw the season finale of "Extras" a few weeks ago, I've developed a case of Stuck Tune Syndrome and can't get this damned Kate Bush song out of my head. And now, neither will you....bwahahahaha!

'Twas a very sad episode. Watching the character Maggie Jacobs (left) give up on her acting career, scrubbing bathrooms instead, trying to get a job at Car Phone Warehouse and, when told there weren't any jobs available, breaking down to proclaim, "I've wasted my life...I haven't done anything....I haven't been anywhere." And this song was in the background nearly the whole time.

Damn skippy I cried. And I know of a certain man who cried too, so don't judge.