Notes on the Vancouver Winter Olympics, Opening Ceremony

In case you were too busy living your life to watch it, I can sum it all up for you! First off, I have always hated the Olympics. The only reason why I watched this year is because my housemate has Tivo and I thought it would be fun to watch some of the spectacle and fast forward through the cheese. Sports and nationhood are destructive social constructs that pit human beings against other vicious masses under a false sense of "team building" in the aims of proving themselves superior to others. As such, both are inherently asinine and ultimately unsatisfying if one indulges in them as a means of gaining personal identity.

That said, I love Vancouver and I love Canadians. And I really wanted them to have their time to shine. But here are some notes on the garbage that I suffered through:

1. The untimely death of a 21 year-old Georgian luge racer, play by play and shown on repeat, with sports casters including Brian Williams and some other douche providing grave narration to add a dash of sensitivity. Bonus points to NBC for showing the shots of the young luger's bloodied face in the arms of paramedics!

2. Interviews with hot American snowboarder chicks wearing lots of makeup. News flash: they were outwardly confident by their impending performances, yet complementary towards competitors, and honored to be there, all at the same time!

3. A documentary in which Canada and America are portrayed as fierce allies in combating atrocities around the globe. A particularly strange emphasis is given to the Iran Hostage Crisis, where a member of the Canadian Embassy gave Americans false documents so that they could seek asylum in Canada. After explaining the intricacies of the covert Americans-as-Canuks smuggling scheme, it is then admitted that the Canadian official was really working for the CIA and was in fact American. Moral of the story: sometimes Americans need to impersonate Canadians so that the world doesn't target them.

4. Some dude snowboards through some giant olympic rings and down a half pipe. I think there were fireworks in the background but I can't remember, it was that instantly forgettable.

5. Native American/Canadian tribes are gathered in packs at various points on the perimeter of the olympic stage, slowly, as the booming white man voice screams: Dance for me, my little monkeys! they begin to dance and call out their ancient warrior calls and move towards the center of the stage. It is obvious to all viewers around the world that the Natives are way into the white man telling them to dance before a live audience of millions of white people.

6. A chubby fellow in a beret and ethnic vest throws down a little spoken word atop a mighty, precarious pillar. He gives some key insights into the character of the Canadian peoples:

"We're more than just hockey and fishing lines/off the rocky coast of the Maritimes/and some say what defines us/is something as simple as 'please' and 'thank you'/well we say that too/ but we are more than genteel or civilized."

This was probably the highlight of the event as the rhyming here was simply superb. And if poetry is nothing more than just throwing some words together that rhyme then by all accounts this sweet little poet nugget has really outdone himself.

7. Bryan Adams and Nelly Furtado sang a little ditty, and it went something like this:

From near, from far/It's clear, wherever you are/This is your moment, your time to run like the wind/Dream big, aim high/Even believe you can fly

8. Canadian river dancing: like the Irish folk tap, but with punk rockers dressed in leather and jean jackets.

That is all. I'm sure there were more acts I've left out, but at that point I had seen way too much already. Oh Canada! Way to go!

Star Wars/Richard Pryor blast from the past

Don't know much about this video, have no idea where it came from, but I do know that this sketch used original Star Wars costumes and the set of Mos Eisley Cantina. Enjoy!

Neil Hamburger

Last night I went to see the Tim and Eric Awesome Songs Puss Whip Bang Gang show. Which was a lot better than it sounds. But what really made the overall experience was opening act Neil Hamburger, the faux-lounge comedian and alter ego of one Portland, Oregon-based comedian Gregg Turkington.

I was wedged between two friends, both absolute Tim and Eric obsessives, both into the same wacky British humor I grew up with, but one utterly disgusted by Mr. Hamburger, while the other (along with myself) roared with laughter, and had to repeat some of these jokes back a few times to make sure they were as off-color and hideous as they sounded. With Hamburger, the schtick is more about the posturing, phlegm-clearing, spitting into the cocktail, nervously brushing the comb-over to the side, yelling at the audience to shut up even though everyone is quiet, et al, that really makes it.

These jokes are bad. Real bad. But I just had to sit down and jot them all down before I went to bed last night, as if forgetting them would somehow leave a void in the very fabric of my soul. The part of the soul that yearns to blurt out every taboo, politically-incorrect idea that pops into one's head like a compulsive mental patient. Here they all are, in a somewhat chronological order:

1. What was the last good thing that the Osmonds produced in the last four decades?

A stillborn.

2. Why don't rapists eat at TGIFridays?

Because it's hard to rape with a stomach ache.

3. On the day before he was executed, why did the last meal that the Washington sniper requested consist of a can of Pringle's chips, a Nestle's chocolate bar, and a bucket of KFC chicken?

Because those were his sponsors.

4. Why did Colonel Sanders, on his death bed, give Sally Fields the secret spice recipe to make his chicken?

He was desperate for a blow job.

5. Why did God give Smashmouth five hit singles?

It was a clerical mixup, he meant to give them all syphilis.

6. What happens if you put one copper piece, a one cent coin, into each member of Smashmouth's ass?

They turn into Nickleback.

7. What's worse than 9/11?

311.

8. Why did Heath Ledger win over the hearts and minds of a generation?

Because he was a brilliant actor.

9. Why did soon-to-die Heath Ledger call Mary-Kate Olsen right before his quick demise?

He had just taken some pills that he needed to know how to throw up.

10. Why did Julia Roberts smear shit on her vagina?

To honor Heath Ledger. It a Tibetan Buddhist custom, to honor the dead that way.

11. How many Red Hot Chili Peppers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

It depends on how recently they've shot up.

12. What did the Red Hot Chili Peppers do when they heard that no one liked their recent tracks?

They wore more long-sleeved shirts.

13. Why did the Red Hot Chili Peppers want to be taken under the bridge?

There heard there was a plate they could poop on.

14. What is the difference between Harriet Tubman and the Red Hot Chili Peppers?

Harriet Tubman was a heroine to the slaves, but the Red Hot Chili Peppers were slaves to the heroine.

15. Why did God create Domino's Pizza?

To punish humanity for all the complacency during the Holocaust.

16. How do you get your dog to stop licking its own balls?

Coat them in Domino's Pizza sauce.

17. What do you get when you cross Michael Jackson's life with Farrah Fawcett's death?

I don't know, but if I were you I'd stay away from the ass.

18. Who sponsored Michael Jackson's funeral?

Jack in the Box.

19. What do you call it when a homeless wino is raped and mugged by a sexual deviant?

A Wham reunion.

20. Why do the gays like Cher and Barbara Streisand so much?

Because it reminds people that there are easier people to hate than the gays.

21. How do you get Carlos Santana to stop trying to molest your children?

Put a guitar in his hands.

22. What did the medical doctors call it when they decided to cut off the life support they gave to a man in the hospital treated for being an imbecile?

Eric Clapton: Unplugged.

23. What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a hockey mom?

A child with down syndrome, apparently.

24. What's the worst thing that Kenny G can give a woman after a one-night stand?

His latest album.

25. What do you get when you cross someone with down syndrome with a person with Turret's?

Ladies and gentleman...Robin Williams!

I'd rather be...

Taking a nap under the hot Tunisian sun with my body double from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi, in my sparkly Princess Leia slave girl getup. Oh to be Carrie Fisher circa 1983.

Priceless



I love watching children get into a song, and the mesmerizing innocence they can bring to the most jaded of ballads. This reminded me of the Langley Schools Music Project from the late '70s.

(Thanks, Sean!)

Some pictures I took last week of

W o o d s t o c k


(actually, from the archives of LIFE)

Shepherding becomes eclectic

"I know you wanna herd sheep so bad it's like acid your my mouth, Johnny." --Patrick Swayze, Point Break.

Jamie Lidell, From the Basement

Just started watching this amazing DVD of live performances, brought to audiophiles fresh from the hands of epic rock producer Nigel Godrich. The DVD, entitled"From the Basement," came out in March but is new to me. There are some particularly amazing performances by Radiohead, The White Stripes and Sonic Youth. But someone who really blew me away--this funk singer I had never heard of and probably wouldn't be interested in if I had--gave a highly impressive performance. Ladies and gentleman, Jamie Lidell:

Bike meets girl

I am so in love with my new bicycle right now. I bought it from a lovely lady couple that create beautiful vintage hybrid bicycles with fine brand-name frames. Mine is a 70s Gitane (fancy pants French brand) mixte 10-speed with moustache handlebars--bright, beaten-up white with a dark brown leather seat.

Recently, I discovered what a mixte is via the internets, as I was too embarrased to ask the bike nerd ladies what it was.

The things I found out really blew my mind.

Apparently it is the kind of frame that dips down, rather than going straight across to form a triangle. I just thought triangles were for boys; non-triangles were for girls that wore dresses. While this is true, the mixte is also a style that was once in vogue for both genders; I had no idea that they stopped making this frame style in the 60s and 70s.

From Dave Moulton's Bike Blog:

The mixte frame, for whatever reason, it seems has caught on with the teen and twenty set of young men in America and they are buying up older ones on eBay. They seem to like this style of frame because, like the dance hall on the Queen Mary, it offers a lot of Ballroom.

(My bike, bottom left)


My Gitane has the vintage look of a classic clunker, with the lightweight maneuverability of a racing bike--probably due in part to the fact that there are no fenders. Oh how I love my white chariot that glides over pavement with the greatest of ease! And I almost feel as chic and graceful as these bicycle-loving ladies:









Almost. Need some fancy golden jazz shoes.

So glad I don't live in Montgomery

Because if I did, I would allow this man to sell me all his furniture as I danced my cares away.

Michael Cera does Christian Bale

Wait, that sounds rude...I mean, he does an awesome impression of Bale flipping out on the set:

Great American Civil Rights Leaders

The Daily Show's John Oliver, on the Obama victory, via The Bugle:

I’ll tell you the real unsung hero here: President Bush. He has managed to screw up the country so badly that America is now ready for a black president. There is no way that would be happening if he wasn’t so absolute in his incompetence.

In many ways, he’s a pioneering civil rights leader. He’s like Rosa Parks, if Rosa Parks had instead of refusing to go to the back of the bus, had become a poorly-qualified bus driver, had crashed almost every bus in Montgomery into a ditch, to the point where no one wanted to ride the bus anymore, and black people were therefore free to sit where they wanted.





They each had their methods; but they each did great things.

Pictcha Tyme!

From CSM:

Pakistani Sunni Muslim devotees returned home on a packed train after attending an annual three-day religious congregation in Multan, Pakistan.

I'm so glad I'm not religious. I don't have public transportation issues like this.

'Lil Bill O



I love it when children are exploited and used...all for the funny.

Hey Candypants, let's climb the ladder of romance.



Some sweetass lines in this here song (thank you, Nicoleo).

Chappelle's SF Show

On Friday the 13th I was lucky enough to get one of perhaps less than 300 tickets to see Dave Chappelle, a show that was announced on the day of, and sold out within a few hours. After having the "Dave Chappelle experience" I completely understand why--when he does a show, he REALLY does a show. He tries to heckle as many people in the audience as possible, or just make small talk, and rambles on until he's not stoned anymore. And all I can say is, if you begin a show before midnight and don't stop until 3 a.m., that's some mighty strong weed.

Towards the second half of his schtick, at least a third of the audience--myself included--had fallen asleep or had made a visit to the restroom at least half a dozen times. Of course I woke back up after drifting off for a few minutes, and it had nothing to do with the content but everything to do with sitting for so long and realizing that, after the first two hours, Chappelle was totally unprepared for his show and is just making conversation. But really hilarious conversation. And since he began yelling at people for getting up to go to the bathroom so much, I tried to go even more, just so he would yell at me and we could converse. Alas he didn't notice me and my small bladder, and instead heckled some girl because her boyfriend had left early.

Apparently he came to San Francisco because his agent gave him the option of playing Houston or my little city by the Bay. Chappelle explained that he had just read about a gay serial rapist in Houston and told his agent, "I'll go to San Francisco where the ass raping is consensual." As a few people piled in, he said to one of them, "Hey, y'all didn't miss anything. Just having a little talk about man rape"--and so it went from there.

Chappelle was extremely unpolished-sounding, but you could tell that he knew what he was doing, he didn't have to come prepared because he didn't have to win everybody over, people like him for the sheer force of his personality. He kept making himself laugh and banging the microphone on his leg, which was hilarious in and of itself. But one ongoing joke that I don't know if I was a fan of was the one about the "baby that came from a man's penis."

He started by bringing up the pregnant man that was all over the news recently. Not such a great news item to me because it's misleading--the "father" is actually a transgendered, woman-to-man so it's not like someone is having a baby that's actually coming out of their penis. Chappelle just went on about the "baby from a man's penis" as if it were a sign of the apocalypse. And at one point he even pretended that the microphone was a big penis and re-enacted the "birth process." Then, he did a demonic voice of the "baby from a man's penis," cupping the microphone and lowering his voice dramatically. He did this voice all night, and at times I got a bit irritated. But after you hear the "baby that came from a man's penis"'s voice over fifty times, you start to get delirious and find it to be the most absurdly funny thing you've ever heard. At one point I think he began projecting a bit of himself into the baby's voice, saying in the demonic baby's voice, "I want to destroy Carlos Mencia" (that incredibly unfunny racist dude that replaced "Chappell's Show").

So anyways, my point is, the man is so funny he can make a character like the "baby from a man's penis" the most ridiculously humorous thing you've ever heard, even if it means driving you to a delirious stupor in order to do so.

That's all.

Karaoke

You know you've made an ass of yourself at karaoke night, yet again, when you find yourself booty dancing to Chris de Burgh's "Lady in Red" on a tabletop, taking a nap on the floor, performing more than one Meatloaf duet, or choosing to sing this song with a team of backup dancers:

Honey look at me, lookat me. Honey--over here. Lookat me, lookat me...doggone menopause.

Women Quiz:

The Daily Show's John Oliver has a podcast called The Bugle, as I've mentioned before, and it is NOT to be missed.

The following is "a bugle women quiz, for men" from Episode 20: Who's The Least Democratic of Them All. Co-host Andy Zaltzman gave two likes and two dislikes of women and asked men to tell which are which:

1. Increased gender equality in society as a whole.

2. The elemental agony of childbirth.

3. The ability to combine a rewarding career and home life.

4. The menopause and the slow, inevitable decline into the inescapable chasm of death that it ominously foreshadows.


--so which ones are which, men? I know I know, it's a tough one.

Will Ferrell's Actors' Studio

I made a group of folks in a cabin in Tahoe watch this the other night at the end of a rough days' skiing 'n such. I don't know if it was the altitude and drunkenness, but we all almost died. It's a parody of James Lipton's "Inside the Actors' Studio," with Ferrell as Lipton interviewing the cast of "Old School." It has to be one of the best Will Ferrell bits I've ever seen. And ridiculously funny if you've ever seen James Lipton's outrageous celebrity ass-kissing in action. If you haven't seen "Old School" don't bother--this is way funnier.

Ferrell (as Lipton): When you speak it is like speaking to an alien, one that doesn't communicate through sound but through emotion.

I look at you and I look into the dull, lifeless eyes of a mannequin. But you are powerful.

Inside Actors Studio / Parodie Will Ferrell Old School
by tonton_bdm

So many index cards full of questions--so ridiculous.

ARE YOU AMPED FOR THE WEEKEND?

Well are you, are you good and amped? If not, let David Hasselhoff help you with that: