Canuck cowboys? Not quite, but nice try!

Amity and Bobby plan a birthday trip

(Note: My birthday is coming up in less than three months. Me and my friend Bobby discuss. )

A: I think I want to go to New Orleans, where the people will be more depressed than me. Plus, there's Mardis Gras around that time.

B: How about a train trip through Canada? We could go to the most eastern region we can afford, and then take a train trip back to Vancouver.

A: Why don't we just do that in America? There's more diversity, and cowboys! I mean, the only cities that I would want to go to are Montreal and Vancouver. I've already done Vancouver and it was boring.

B: Yeah, when I think about it, I went to a lot of Canadian cities with the airlines and I wasn't excited about any of them.

A: But you want to take a weeks-long train trip through all of them.

B: Yeah. It's just that...who does that? You can tell people you did it, and they won't know why you did it.

A: You raise a good point.

B: Put that in your hat and sit on it..

A: You want me to sit on my hat?

B: Yeah, sit on your hat and think about taking a trip through Canada.

Quote of the Week:

(I'd like to rescind the "quote of the week" I posted a few days ago and replace it with this one. I feel that some readers not familiar with my father may have misinterpreted and thought he was wishing that my plane would crash and that he is a total a-hole).

Me (to housemate chopping onions and tearing up): You don't need to get so emotional over vegetables. It's just not worth it, man.

Housemate: I'm just taking a moment to think about what Jesus did for us. How he suffered for our sins. But you wouldn't know anything about that, now would you Amity?

A lesson on flirtation

(The following conversation took place in-between songs on karaoke night. Sarah V was amped up on Sparks and ready to sing her second Justin Timberlake song).

Danny: So I really like this girl at my work, and one of my co-workers,
this other girl, told me I should tell her, "You look like you had a really nice
body in college."

Me: What? That's so f**ked up!

Danny: Well yeah, but she says I need to bruise this girls's ego so that
she looks to me to build it back up.

Me: No. No, I believe that's gonna get you nowhere Danny. That shit doesn't
work.

Sarah V: WHAT?!?! That's the most f**ked thing I've ever heard! If
a guy said that to me, I'd chop off his balls and say, "Sorry--you look like you had a
really nice ball sack in college!"

The Northern and Southern California culture divide: explained!

My friend Tony N. just moved to the city of Oakland, CA from Pasadena, CA a few weeks back. Coincidentally, I just started working in Oakland and discovered the most amazing farmer's market a few blocks away from his neighborhood. The honey vendor told me about how he can actually walk up to the hives and take the honey without any protection (but only during certain seasons when they aren't too pissy), there was a Mexican woman selling a massive selection of really good aguas frescas, and nearly four Indian food vendors were giving away samples like it was going out of style. I decided to call and alert Tony about this.

Me: Dude! Did you know about the farmer's market next to where you live? It's a really good one!

Tony: Do they have Big Macs there?

Quote of the Week:

"No, I taught them to make ethnic slurs."

(My friend Sean S. served in the Peace Corps a few years back. They sent him to Uzbekistan, where he became a prime ambassador for our great nation. He recently paid me a visit before heading out to play a mean game of frisbee. He's very enthusiastic about frisbee. He's very enthusiastic about things in general.)

Enthusiastic Sean: Wow, you live right next to a baseball field!

Me: Yeah, you play?

Sean (enthusiastically): No, but I am American! And I taught baseball in Uzbekistan.

Me: What other America things did you teach, did you teach them to make apple pies?

Enthusiastic Sean: No, I taught them to make ethnic slurs.

Quote of the Week:


"What I need is a shotgun to blow off your head."




OK, let me put this one in proper context.

I am having a beautiful day at the park on Easter. Me and some friends are watching the fashion parade of men in their finest Easter dresses with bonnets and frilly underpants (remember we are in San Francisco). My favorite, though, is a shirtless man wearing leather chaps who has deconstructed a stuffed-animal bunny and re-attached the feet onto his legs like knee guards. He uses the bunny's head as a helmet. Later he will dance to Prince when someone shows up with a sound system attached to a large tricycle.

We leave the park and then return from the store after gathering more refreshments. I slowly make my way across the sidewalk with my bike, after crossing the street. An old, frail-looking woman comes at me from the side on a motorized wheelchair like a bat out of hell at about 15 mph and 10 ft away.

Lady in wheelchair: (Screaming loudly) "Get out of my way, you're blocking the goddamn ramp!"

Me: (Nothing but air, jaw on the ground)

Tom: (Arms outstretched) "All you need is love!"

Lady in wheelchair: (Pointing at Tom) "What I need is a shotgun to blow off your head."


Later I forget about it and come across the cutest bunny I have ever seen:

Bellissimo!

Joelene doesn't know what to blog about

So I'll do it for her.

Last week I decided I was going to have my dear friend Joelene E. blog for me from Rome, where she is now living with a man who does the Italian voice of Homer Simpson. Living vicariously through her has become a hobby for me. Like internet chess.

I am guessing she is drinking too much wine to follow up on the topics mentioned. This is all she wrote:

dizzam, amity! you're giving me a writing assignment?! fine. i'll do it. but you have to choose one of the three following topics:

1. arguing in italian. including: ME: "OK! fine! since we can't talk about anything serious without fighting, from now on we only talk about banal, small things...like flowers or soup!" TONINO: "but joelene, flowers are not banal, flowers are beautiful" ME: "AGGH! i kill you!" (*since moving in with tonino i now speak a mix of fractured english and bad italian...like "ho fucking capito!". "ho capito" means "i understand" in italian, hence).

2. my valentine's day. including: a surprise from tonino, a screening of the worst french film i've ever seen, followed by a dinner with it's creators, one of whom was massimo cristaldi (son of franco cristaldi who made that italian film Cinema Paradiso). "joelene, tell us what you thought of the film...the truth." "well...i was wondering why the film starts out with the music from The Shining and then ends with the music from Charlie Brown's Christmas. and that part where the mother escapes from the mental hospital and has sex with a jeweler was a bit confusing."

3. italians are superstitious and watch a lot of TV

Every Cloud Has A Golden Lining

(I recently spoke on the phone with my dad. He seemed very happy and nearly manic over the failing economy. He was awarded tens of thousands of dollars through some old class action claim against his company. He found something fun to do with the money.)

Me: Hey dad how're you doing?

Dad: Couldn't be better honey, couldn't be better. Ha-ha! I'm like Ebeneezer Scrooge over here, countin' all my gold coins and puttin' them in piles.

Me: What? I know you were talking about buying some gold, but...where did you get it? You didn't get it from that infomercial with the woman who talks like she's hosting Masterpeice Theatre did you?

Dad: No honey, it's perfectly legit. I went to the local coin exchange center. You know, the worse the economy gets, the better it is for the gold standard...(goes into rant I've heard twice before)...

Me: So basically you're banking on a weak dollar. You're investing in the collapse of the U.S. economy?

Dad: You betcha!

Me: Are you going to buy me a magic beanstalk with those coins?

Dad: Possible honey, if the value keeps going up.

Apparently it is, according to Thomson Financial:

The raft of bad data from the world's largest economy briefly
pushed the dollar to a new all-time low against the euro, and oil prices to rise
above 103 usd.
Gold benefits from a weak dollar as bullion is seen as an
alternative asset. And with inflation fears rising due to record high oil
prices, gold also benefits from its safe-haven status, as it is bought to hedge
against oil-led inflation.
Barclays (NYSE:BCS) Capital analyst Suki Cooper
said that, with more negative data expected out of the US this week, gold prices
could rise even further if the dollar consequently weakens even more
again.